"Hell is paved with good intentions." - Cicero

Friday, March 31, 2006

Borders Can Burn in Hell

So, I looked online to see if the local Borders had The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They didn't, so I ordered it in to the store. I get a call saying it's in, so I naturally went to the store to pick it up. Fuckers gave me a Penguin classic book. What the fuck is that shit? So, I had to fight with them telling them I didn't fucking order that. Eventually, they ordered it again for me. Fat fucking lot of good that will do. Watch: they'll probably order the wrong book again. Fuckers.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Babar: the Fondest Memory I Know

"In the great forest a little elephant is born. His name is Babar."
- Jean De Brunhoff

Babar's story is arguably the greatest story ever told. Even better than of the books in the Holy Bible. In fact, there wouldn't be as much hate in the world if the King James Bible were replaced with the Babar books. Actually, I think there's a part of the world where that wouldn't be so controversial. Babar's story is a fairly simple one: his mother is killed by a hunter and Babar is left to fend for himself. Eventually, he gets to Paris, where he is raised by the Old Lady. Since he has grown, he makes his way back to the elephant realm and becomes king.

I think it's only fair to reflect on the state of affairs in Paris. Due to labor and tax issues, the people of France have been rioting almost every day. According to CNN, scattered bonfires, Molotov cocktails, and reverse police brutality are a nightly scene. If Babar was there, he could surely stop it.

Would Babar really approve of the actions of the people of France? They showed such love and kindness to him when he was growing up, and now look at them. What if another lonely elephant tottered into France, looking for a home? Would he be turned away?

Earlier I said that everyone would be better off if the King James Bible were replaced with the books of Babar. This may have offended some of you. In that case, you can stop reading now, because it's only going to get more offensive. Babar bears a striking resemblance to someone else of religious importance. This is probably not a coincidence. There is something mystical about the elephant. Perhaps the elephant realm is a theocracy and Babar was appointed the throne for religious reasons. Either way, Babar could quite possibly be the messiah. I don't have to back this up with evidence. Did Jesus have any real evidence that he was the messiah? Of course not.

When my parents used to read me a Babar book before tucking me into bed all those years ago, I used to think how wonderful it is that someone so morbidly obese could be so philosophically fulfilled. I think that Babar is easily the most important literary character ever for two reasons: he's a continuing source of inspiration and spiritual guidance and he's also wearing spats. God bless you, Babar. Whoops, guess that was a stupid thing to say. I mean, why would someone bless themself?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Criminal Mastermind He Ain't

"You can't fix stupid."
- Ron White

So, apparently, the Professor Moriarty of Rochester Hills has been caught. Daniel Ray Davis Jr. is going to be brought on charges of false threats of terrorism. Though he has not been officially charged, he did not attend school Monday.

Honestly, how does someone get this goddamn stupid? Don't threaten your school, classmates, whatever. Just don't. Then you won't be facing 20 years. Just don't do stupid shit, and you'll be fine. That's all it takes. It's not funny! It's not a fucking prank! I'm not laughing, asshole.

Refraining from doing stupid shit is just as easy as doing it. I seem to manage just fine on a daily basis. I do stupid stuff, however, which is completely different from stupid shit. With stupid stuff, nothing's illegal, no one is injured, and there's a laugh to be had by all. Like slapstick comedy. Stupid shit is just that; stupid.

I don't see why someone has to do something like this. That's probably one of the reasons I got into psychology: to understand the mind of a dumbfuck.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

"He who does not punish evil commands it to be done."
- Leonardo Da Vinci

You know what's funny? My complete lack of any work ethic whatsoever and my empty promises. Remember when I said "This is not an empty promise?" Yes, well, turns out I'm a liar. Oh well. Right now I'm fairly concerned with making myself a Go board from oak. I bought the stones online and the board is almost finished. Yeah, it's sweet. I might take some pictures and share them. At this point, expect the least from me.

About that Exta watermelon-flavored gum? It's ridiculous. I really didn't know that watermelon also contained menthol. Lots of menthol. Chewing that shit is like eating a watermelon cough drop, except it fucking gives you a sore throat. It's the worst best thing I've ever had. It's terrible because it tastes like death, but it's awesome in how incredibly bad it is. More than anything else. God help the person who decides to try it.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Sorry About the Delay

"I think I can try the film world out for a while."
- Kristanna Loken

So, Things We Know is going to be delayed until next week, until we can finish filming. Seeing as how we just finished scripting, there’s not going to be any time for filming or editing before tomorrow. Since this site is pretty esoteric, I’m going to submit Things We Know to Google Video, where people looking for random shit can run across it. Later.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Are You Ready?

"You never heard of a comedy team that didn't fight, did you?"
- Bud Abbott

So, I hope you're ready for Things We Know, the comedy short starring Nolan, Ryan, and I. I've got some sweet video editing software now, so I can make it really kick ass. I was screwing around with PK Hack today and a few other ROM hackers. I realized I don't have any talent when it comes to making games, so why should I try? There will most likely not be a game about my world anytime soon, unless more people feel like getting involved. And it will probably only happen during the summer.

Tomorow, the first episode of Things We Know will begin filming. Friday of every week, we will release the week's episode. This isn't an empty promise, and we will keep up on this. I'm going to compile a few other things over the weekend. Here's a look at a few things that will be coming:
  • Movies You Have to See
  • Books You Have to Read
  • Why You Need to Read Books
  • How to Make a Xaphoon
  • Principles of Wind Instrument Design (when I get around to it)
  • Review of Wrigley's Extra: Cool Watermelon
Hope you can keep your pants on until I update next. Tomorow I'll probably post my review of Wrigley's Extra: Cool Watermelon, the most deliciously vile thing I've ever tasted. Don't chew it if you're planning on talking, because you'll instantly have a raw throat. Ciao.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Blogger is Fucked

"One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'"
- Norman R. Augustine

So, Blogger decided to crash. Like, the whole fucking site when down for the count. And it was like this for a while. I've been meaning to update, but Blogger was . . . angry at me, I guess. I've toying with PK Hack lately. Nothing serious, just making Earthbound goofier. I had the idea of making a video game of my life, but that would take too much time and energy. Maybe during the summer. I'll need help though—maybe Geiger, Nolan, and Ryan. That'd be cool. Shit, we should do a Final Fantasy VI (III for you Japan-obsessed assholes) hack. That'd be beastly.

So, I had a thought today: according to religious people, God made man, but to what purpose? I mean, I asked a deeply . . . enthusiastic protestant that same question and they flipped. "God doesn't need a reason," they replied. Well, excuse me, but according to your textbook, The Holy Bible (King James Edition), he fuckin' does. According to you, God made man in his own image. Not his appearence, his image. Therefore, he shares the same mental characteristics of man. Now, all of mankind can agree upon one fact: everything has a cause. Even if someone put a slice of meat on their heat and declared themselves the ruler of the internet, the cause of it is they are fucked in the head. So, God had to have a reason for doing all this. Given that he allegedly made us in his image, then he's also selfish. Human beings are selfish. Our natural instinct, like all animals, is to make sure the individual survives. So, why the hell did he make us? My guess is that he was bored. He didn't do it for us, he did it so he'd have a few action figures to play with. God is most likely a 34 year-old, mentally handicapped, balding man, living in his parents house. Bim bam boom, bitch.

In the words of Westley, from The Princess Bride: "Truly you have a dizzing intellect." I'm just about worn out from ranting, so I'll leave you with the Elizabethan sonnet I'm turning into my British Literature teacher tomorow:
The chewy walrus lives inside my mind.
His tusks are as milky-white as your smile.
His silky skin reminds me of your face.
Not as brown and yours is cold as tile.

Dancing and clapping: the walrus at play.
The walrus barks, like an opera of love.
The one thing he can’t do is make you stay.
The walrus, being good, gives me a dove.

I wish the walrus would visit often.
But, alas, the world is very busy.
Thinking of your love makes my heart soften.
But I know I made you very dizzy.

You’ll never come back, you left with Cyrus.
But I’ll always have the chewy walrus.
I realize nothing rhymes with walrus, but I had to put that in there. God bless the chewy walrus, in all his glory and splendor.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Last.fm

"Music is the shorthand of emotion."
- Leo Tolstoy

Last.fm is a really cool service that allows you to post the songs you listen to online automatically from your favorite media player. I reccomend foobar2000 for those who are simple and low on processing power. You can view my Last.fm page by visting the link on the right. It's a nifty service.

So according to the Detroit Free Press, a man snuck into a woman's barn and had sexual relations with sheep. For the first time in a long time, I'm at a loss for words. I really don't know what words can express the utter fucked up-ness of this. And what's even more amazing, is that when they told the bastard in questioning that they had human DNA from the sheep (which is wholely disgusting in its self) he acted like he didn't know what they were talking about. Like, they asked him for a DNA sample, and he's acting like "I dunno what you're expecting to find." You fucked a sheep! What do you think they're looking for, you crazy fuck?

Only in Michigan.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Feel Like Shit I Do

this is an audio post - click to play

 

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